Still here...

It may appear as though I had abondoned this site, but I assure all that this is not the case. Rather, I have been so busy, I haven't found a moment to keep in touch (or to keep up with the dishes, laundry, general housework...). Classes have ended for the year (hooray!), but I have yet to finish my last two assignments - hopefully by the end of this week it will all become a distant, fading memory...

The past year has been a particularly challenging one. It had been 8 years since I last graduated university, and my currrent MSc program in community health and epidemiology has been a real change from my previous areas of study. I like a challenge, but many things made it hard that I wasn't expecting. Although the course work is both intersting and demanding, the most difficult part of adjusting to school life again was coming back as a 'mature' student. The majority of students I went to school with everyday are a posse of bright-tailed, bushy-eyed young 'uns that both individually and collectively seem to be lacking in two areas I find important in fellow humans: a sense of humour and a sense of irony. They also are rather self-absorbed and lacking in plain old-fashioned manners. Now I have lived all over the world, and come into contact with a wide variety of people in my time, making friends from all sorts of backgrounds and ages, both younger and older. I completely fail to comprehend why I don't seem to get along with anyone in my program, but I have decided, after much agonizing and self-punishment in the matter, that I don't give a shit, and who needs 'em. Now that I have completed 6 out of eight courses, this isn't much of an issue anymore. It doesn't help that I have had difficulties with members of faculty as well, and am in the process of filing a grievance against one of my profs. Yes, I'm sure I am well loved in the halls...but here's the thing: I let too many people push me around in my undergraduate degree, and even my last master's program, and I'm not having it anymore. I am here to stand up for myself (so deal with it!).

Surprisingly, the being a mom part wasn't the biggest challenge, but then I have the best kid in the world! She does wish I had more time to spend with her, but she's so easygoing and independent that she isn't too hard to work around. I do try to take 'quality activity' breaks with her as often as I can even when I'm in the middle of writing papers, etc. Hopefully by the end of this week my last assignments will be done, and I can finally relax (this term has really been hell), and take more time to spoil my little one. We start with a trip to our new favourite place on Saturday, the Spryfield Lions Wave Pool (www.halifax.ca/Recreation/williamspry.html). We went 2 weekends ago for the first time, and had the best family outing I can remember for ages, probably since last summer. And the flyer came in the mail that Jellystone Park (www.campjellystone.com), also known as Yogi Bear Camp in our house, will be open in a couple of weeks - Naomi's favourite place last summer. I believe we will have to become members this year.

But before we can camp with Yogi, we will be off to Europe! Mid-May will see us fly across the ocean to visit Michael's mum and family, and of course our friends. It was a very spontaneous decision, but we need a break from our lives here so badly, especially now that Nepal has to be put off - that was what we had been focusing on since September, our Great Escape. It is a big disappointment that we can't get there just yet. A trip to Northern Ireland is not quite as exotic, but it has been 4 years since we were there, when Naomi was just 4 months old. There will be lots of great things to do, like go to the Zoo, Belfast Castle, the Botanic Gardens near my old office at Queen's University. We also plan to take a trip up north to Portrush and Giant's Causeway, where I have only been once, and without my camera! I am very excited, as I will be able to see a lot of old friends. My darling Susan has had TWO babies since I was last there (Natasha aged 21 months, and a very special welcome to Marcus John Joseph, born 13 days ago, 8 lbs, 8 ozs),and Sister Sarah has taken her vows in her Cistercian order at St. Mary's Abbey, County Waterford, where I will also be visiting. Sarah is one of several friends I missed on my last visit, making it 8 years since I've seen her. That will be a very special visit, and I am especially happy to be going down south to see her, while my other girlfriend has said she can travel from the South to Belfast to coincide with our visit. Hopefully I'll catch everyone from my days at Queen's on this visit.

How many more ways can my body fail me?

As if it isn't bad enough that I require 3 medications a day to control my migraines and chronic daily headache --and by control, I mean I still get maybe 6-10 migraines a month, sometimes daily for a week at a time, just less than before and fortunately less intense most of the time-- bad enough that I go through thousands of dollars' worth of prescription drugs for acute migraines and pain in general (thank god for health insurance), bad enough that I don't dare have more babies while on the meds I take due to potential harm to the fetus (which absolutely breaks my heart as I would love to have more children--I try and wean myself off the pills from time to time, but the headaches always get worse, and 3 neurologists have advised me to stick with them. I'm waiting to see a 4th neurologist to try out Botox migraine therapy...), bad enough I require treatment for ongoing bladder problems (a minor irritant in comparison to the migraines, but still)--in addition to all this we now add three additional problems: after a second infection in my left ear several weeks ago, I still can't hear properly (unless you count the very loud ringing sound), and am waiting for an appointment with a specialist who will likely have to surgically drain it (ew!); I recently went to the dentist and discovered not only that I need my wisdom teeth out, but that I have a load of cavities which may in fact be a side-effect of my medications; but last and best of all, last week I participated in a research study comparing bone density of "normal controls" to patients with multiple sclerosis. I was supposed to be one of the normal controls, when the researchers discovered that I scored in the bottom 3% for bone density, with a score putting me at high-risk for osteoporosis (the good news is I fell off my chair yesterday and did not break my hip). I have since been referred for additional testing and may have to take even more meds for the rest of my life. Great. I'm only in my 30s, what the hell?!! I take more drugs than most seniors, and apparently am developing a senior's body too.

As if to shame me further, everyone I go to university with runs, bikes, etc. Half the people in my class run marathons. Because I take beta blockers for the migraines, I don't do cardio or stairs very well, and my academic department is on the 4th floor. I'm the only one who takes the elevator (I refer to it as my private elevator)--but I always walk down the stairs.

So how can a woman with the health of a 70 year old be seriously contemplating a 3-4 month trip to Nepal, with its hills, mountains, poor health conditions, all the walking and climbing involved just getting around, even if you aren't there to trek? Because I refuse to be a slave to my failing health. I will not let my failing body get the better of me. I will visit Ayurvedic doctors, witchdoctors and any other Nepali medicine men that can offer me a snake oil cure for headaches. I vow to work on my weaknesses and prepare for the very challenging and different lifestyle we will be leading when we get there. I need to increase my yoga (Naomi likes it too!), and work on my walking/stairclimbing. I hate this wather, but as it warms up Michael and I promised each other we'd start hiking and walking more to get me ready. I need some support from him to do it too. I can be ferociously lazy. Delaying our trip may be a blessing in disguise, as it gives me the summer to get more active, in addition to the time we need to save and fundraise.

Sh!t happens

Of course date night was not to be. It did begin to snow, and the barometric pressure gave Michael a migraine, so we went home :-(
Once he felt a bit better we snuggled up on the couch and watched The Omen. He told me he first saw this when he was young, and it nearly put him off the idea of ever having children. Fortunately he changed his mind on that one.

Date Night (no I don't mean fruit)

Well, tonight is supposed to be date night, that rare occasion when Michael and I spend time together after dark outside the house together sans enfant. I can't actually remember the last time this took place. Quality time for us is generally an hour or two when our schedules don't collide spent in comfy clothes on the couch in front of the TV. Usually Naomi is laughing and tickling and crawling all over us. Sometimes we have a conversation of substance when driving together in the car, if we're driving together in the same car that is. Somedays we only pass each other in opposite lanes on the highway, with Michael working nights and my classes during the day. Poor Naomi has two very exhausted parents a lot of the time.

So the plan is to go to the movies in an actual theatre, with movie theatre popcorn and everything (oh how I love that neon yellow stuff that is movie theatre popcorn!). I think the last movie I saw in a theatre with Michael was...I'm thinking...we saw Sicko on video...nope, it's not coming to me. We definitely went to the movies with friends on New Year's Eve, 2006! That's also the last time we did anything as a couple with other people. Pretty sad indeed. We have no life. Or we have very solitary lives for a married couple, which is a big reason why we need to get to Nepal. Now at least we have a shared dream again, and even that is already bringing us closer together when we were starting to drift apart. It's just so important to have something to look forward to. When everything becomes day-in, day-out, hum-drum doldrums, you have to find a point of light shining on the horizon, and focus hard to get you through.

This is all in the event that it doesn't snow again, of course, as it did last night, causing me yet another NDE (near death experience), as a truck lost control and nearly hit me on the drive home.

Still dreaming Nepali dreams...

I know, I know, it seemed I had abandoned my post, if anyone out there was keeping tabs. It has been quite a difficult time. Winter is never the best time of year for me, and this one has been no exception. Our fundraising efforts have had to be set upon the back burner as we have simply been confronted with too many more pressing matters. I am very sorry to tell you, we have had to postpone our trip to Nepal. Not cancel, just postpone, but still, we are so looking forward to it, it has been constantly in our hearts and minds since we began planning back in September, that the idea of waiting even a few more months was a hard conclusion to come to. We need more time to save, to fundraise, and to organize ourselves. Our new departure date will depend on my summer income prospects--either we will leave in late summer and spend Christmas in Belfast with Michael's family on our return, or we will begin our journey in December in Belfast, and keep on towards Nepal. We have never spent Christmas in Ireland with Michael's mother and relatives before, so this in itself is pretty exciting. Naomi is sure to be spoiled rotten, her grandmother can't wait to get a hold of her and buy her all her wee heart desires. Sadly, Naomi and her Irish grandma have only met each other twice, and it has been two and a half years since the last visit.

I am continuing on with my graduate studies, but somehow I seem to be having a harder time keeping on top of things, but then I am working now too. School often has me so unsure of myself and so stressed out and frustrated that I wish I worked more and went to achool less. I'm content at work, I work with good people, and best of all, it ends as I leave the door. School is neverending--there's always more studying to do, upcoming assignments, worrying about grades (but mine have been excellent so far, dammit, I can do this science stuff too, even if everyone thought I was an arts-brain!). I keep telling myself the end is in sight:6 more weeks until end of term. Just 6 weeks.

On the homefront, the most exciting news is that I registered Naomi to begin school in September (we will be pulling her out to go to Nepal, although she will be going to school with Nepali children when we get there). Oh my big girl. Everyone tells me as a mom I will cry on that first day, but I don't think I will. But I just know she'll light up her classroom. She is pure light and love, my girl, she keeps me going.

Perhaps due to crazy stress levels or schedules that have us passing like ships in the night, or a lack of sunlight, or some misfortunate planetary alignment, everything else seems to be falling apart. My clothes dryer broke (you have never met a family with worse luck vis a vis appliances). It was a piece of shit to start with, but we can't afford to replace it. But that's hardly relevant anymore, as we are now having plumbing problems. The other day Naomi stuck half a roll of toilet paper down the toilet, and it took a professional 2 hours to unclog it. The upside was that since he was there anyway, we finally had someone look at the bathroom sink Michael has been promising to fix for over three months (I am so sick of brushing my teeth over the bathtub!). Our hundred-year+ plumbing was too much for him, the plumber needs to come back to sort out the sink. But it doesn't even end there, oh no. The day after he left the water started running, which means it has to be shut off except to occasionally flush the toilet or take care of an overgrowing pile of dishes. Now the water is the colour of mud. Great. Can't wash the laundry in that. Our house is now quickly being overrun by dirty clothes and dishes.

So perhaps for these reasons, it is understandable that Michael and I have had some bad days as husband and wife. Why is being a grown up so hard? Remember when you were a kid and thought all your problems would be solved by growing up?

having a down day

Nepal is seeming far, far away, and back here in the real world I have to get up early tomorrow (have I mentioned that I am NOT a morning person?) so I can drive an hour in the cold to work. Although the homework for university still isn't massive, I have a stack of articles to read, and an obligation to report on malaria surveillance methods for Monday morning. There is laundry to do, dishes waiting, food growing scary science experiments in the fridge (I have a terrible phobia of bad food, so I make it worse by not dealing with it, so the mold progresses even more, adding to my phobia of cleaning it up...), and the kitchen table is once again being lost inch by square inch under junk mail and bills. Poor Naomi has been sick with a fever and respiratory infection (lucky for her, she was too ill to receive her 2 scheduled shots on Wednesday)for a few days, although she seems pretty much back to normal today. Michael is working late, so my only company is the voice on the speakerphone telling me, "Thank you for continuing to hold, your call is important to us..." -bet I eventually get disconnected, or told the business is closed until Monday. Oh, yup, prophetic indeed, it just cut me off, this very moment. Yes, I feel very blah today...

so much to do...

Yesterday we took some time for a family outing to Ross Farm. It was a bright, sunny and mild winter day, neither Michael nor myself were working, and my studies are still pretty light as term has just begun. Of course Naomi was more enchanted with the ginger cat than the farm animals (despite the 3 cats we have at home), but we did enjoy the roosters' ruckus and the geese getting all riled up.





There will be few occasions like this between now and our departure for Nepal in mid-April, as we will be very busy between now and then. I can't believe how soon April is coming, less than 100 sleeps! I am in school full time, while returning to my winter job, not to mention the time I spend promoting our cause and fundraising. And Michael works full time, with a long commute, and he usually works overtime too. Naomi stays with Grandma a lot, but she may even spend a few more days at daycare this term - luckily she loves it there -when I was a kid, I hated daycare. For me, the same kids who picked on me at school for wearing glasses and dressing oddly (even at 5 I had my own sense of style, although I must say it has improved), got an extra couple of hours to torture me at daycare. Fortunately, Naomi is a happy, extremely social kid, and she doesn't need glasses (thank god for her father's eye genes)so she remains unteased and well adapted.

This week I should start hearing back from a number of organizations who are looking over our project proposal, and hopefully any day now I will have good news to report regarding our potential benefactors. In the meantime, I dread telling Naomi she's getting 2 more needles on Wednesday the 3rd for Hepatitis A/B, and 1st of three for rabies, with still more to come. She's going to hate me, isn't she...

I do have some news to share today: www.ppdconnect.org, a site for women with post partum depression and its survivors, has posted my story. There is link a the left.