the Good Kharma Family Page

more days that change your life

2008-09-13T05:11:00.001-07:00

So just last week my baby boarded the school bus for the very first time, joining Ms. Wyllie's primary class at Shatford Elementary. Big Kid School. No more preschool. She was very brave. People kept telling me I'd cry when this momentous day came, and I was sure I wouldn't. I am a crier, but generally this is the sort of thing I take in stride, or so I thought. Then I found myself in tears holding on to Michael on our walk home from the bus stop, but not so much because my baby is growing up, but because I remembered how horrible my first day of school was. Luckily, history did not repeat itself, and she was just fine, and 8 school days later, she's still doing great, my young scholar.

The same day Naomi started school, so did Michael, having left his management position at a call centre (where he wasn't happy at all) to join the oil and gas sector. Soon he will be heading West to the Alberta oilrigs, and after 11 years together, we will once again be in a long distance relationship, like the year we started dating. So that would mark the first day of the rest of his life, joining the millions of generation X members who will go through an average of three or more career changes in their lifetimes.

And another day came along this past week that has changed my life forever. I have been diagnosed with Celiac Disease. Apparently 1 in 2000 people are unable to digest a protein found in gluten, causing the intestine walls to become inflamed, and making it difficult for the body to absorb nutrients. An autoimmune disorder, Celiac disease can cause anemia, B12 deficiency, and osteopenia (a precursor to osteoporosis), all of which I have. The only treatment is a completely gluten-free diet. I am experiencing the seven stages of grief for baked goods, the first stage being denial.

But I will not take this lying down. It's not terminal, just one more pain in the ass. So I have started an online petition asking President's Choice, a major Canadian food brand, to begin labelling its applicable products as gluten-free, a practice which a representative told me they have considered in the past, but opted not to bother with. You can add your name to the petition by visiting: http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/pcglutenfree/

days that change your life

2008-09-10T04:04:00.000-07:00

I was watching an interesting documentary the other night about September 11, a conspiracy theory tale about the collapse of WTC 7, the third building to collapse that day. The documentary kept referencing a film called "Loose Change: Final Cut," which I am not endorsing, as I haven't seen it yet, but I will definitely be looking up. I have watched a lot of programs about 9/11 by now, and they all grab me in the gut. Seven years ago...still so hard to believe. More and more, when I see footage from that day, I feel like I am watching a movie, waiting for the action hero Bruce Willis or Ahnold to turn up and save the day. I find it harder to remember what was going through my mind that day, as I watched the second plane hit live on CNN, watched the towers fall, in disbelief. Now I am not a New Yorker, or American, but I was both directly and indirectly affected (haven't we all been?) by the events of that unbelievable day, spending the night into the small hours as a Red Cross volunteer helping settle some of the hundreds of stranded passengers in emergency shelters, using my linguistic skills to translate for a group of Orthodox Israelis who no one else could understand. Years later, I still believe the events of 9/11 sounded the death knell of the tourism industry here in Nova Scotia, as I watched my own business figures drop by 70%, although clearly many factors are at work, so I am still very affected by 9/11.

But what strikes me most about September 11, 2001 is that it may well be the single most defining historical moment which will occur during my lifetime. I've often thought a major difference between my mother's generation and mine was the moon landing. My mom didn't think they could do it (and I know there are some conspiracy theorists out there who think they didn't!), but for me, it was simply an historical fact, one more thing that happened before I was born. That reality dramatically impacted the culture of its time. As did 9/11. Not only can time be forever divided into before 9/11 and after, but the public consciousness has changed, in a way we are unlikely to turn back from for a long time to come. Living in a post 9/11 era is tangible in every sense: economic, social, political, cultural. How strange to think that for my daughter, September 11th is one more fact of history, like WWII, Vietnam, the moon landing - and will it be any more or less salient to her than those distant historical events? She started school a week ago, I think her school commemorates 9/11 in an age-appropriate way (whatever that is. On 9/11 preschool children in New York saw bodies falling from the sky. When are we old enough to witness such a thing?). I knew of a mother a couple years ago who was so disturbed by our school mentioning 9/11 to the children, she actually pulled her kids out of school to homeschool them. Facts are hard, death is hard, terrorism is hard - all these things are hard to explain to our children, when really, do we undertand them ourselves? But I do believe they have the right to share in the knowledge of their socio-political culture, in an age-appropriate way. Naomi's dad is a firefighter, like too many of the kids who lost parents, neighbours, relatives that awful day. This is part of her world. Children have a tremendous capacity for compassion, and love, precious qualities we all need to help heal our real and psychic wounds.

I wonder, can there be positive moments that define a generation? Everyone knows where they were when JFK was shot, MLK, and everyone remembers where they were on 9/11. Am I just a cynic, or are their universally beneficial moments that touch us the same way? It seems good grows more quietly and slowly, while bad can happen in an instant.

good sabbath

2008-09-05T05:49:00.001-07:00

I am a bad Jew. And I find mostly it is because I don't have time to be Jewish, which seems a poor excuse. I don't go to temple, but it's has a lot to do with the fact that the nearest shul is about 25 miles away from my house. I was going to start Naomi in Hebrew school last year, but it would have meant commuting to the city one more day a week (not even including a commute to Saturday services, so really 2 days). Last year, Michael frequently worked weekends, so I would have had to borrow a car to take her, and with him commuting 5 days, me 3 days, and her already spending too much time trapped in her car seat in the back of the car, it just seemed like too much commitment. This year, she has started school, and although I have tried to keep it to a reasonable level of chaos, I have signed her up for music and gymnastics lessons, plus I am teaching children's art lessons, so I bring her along, which means she has a full schedule already, without adding shul and Hebrew school. But I do celebrate most of the Jewish holidays with her at home, I even led a Purim party at her preschool last year (so although Jews don't proselytise, I am ensuring Jewish programming in her class, which I will continue with her in grade primary). And we have started observing shabbat, the Jewish sabbath, in our own small way.

I had been meaning to do this for ages. When I lived in Israel, I usually lit the candles on Friday evenings to signal the beginning of the day of rest. My Israeli friends laughed at me, the convert, more observant than them. Now we aren't talking full observance here, I still went out and drank and smoked and partied all night long, but after my quiet time alone at home with my candles. Even upon my return to Canada, I used to make challah, the traditional Jewish sabbath bread, every Friday. But all that had long gone by the wayside, drinking, smoking, partying, and the candles too. But then last year at hanukkah, Naomi loved the candles so much I thought it would be a good idea to be a little Jewish every week, and light the candles on Fridays. Except I am so scattered and absent-minded, a lot of the time I am really unaware of what day of the week it is, so I would forget. But finally, over a month ago now, I remembered one Friday as I was setting the table, wiped the dust off the beautiful candlesticks I was given by a Jewish friend as a wedding gift, dug out some (kosher!) candles, and after some scrounging around, found a match, and we had our first sabbath candle lighting. I told Naomi she would have to help me remember to do this every Friday, and Wednesday morning, the first sentence out of her sleepy mouth was, "Don't forget to light the candles on Friday mommy!" And so together, we remembered, and the next week, and the next. Then I went all out, and baked challah, from scratch (but I did use a breadmaker to mix the dough), with Naomi's help:
And the more I thought about it, the more I realized, we need a sabbath. There's a day of rest tradition for a reason. Our lives are so hectic, we need to remember to take time out just to relax, be present, and be with each other. Especially now, with the new routine of early mornings to make the schoolbus at 7:26, I go back to university next week, Michael is doing a training course this month - we can hardly find the time to find each other. So although I can't commit to the full day off from work and activities and errands (I really don't have the time), I can do my level best to sit down to a nice meal at the kitchen table at least once a week, and on Fridays, light the candles, as millions of others begin their Friday evening according to the very same tradition. And I might even put in an appearance at the temple for the High Holidays, which are fast approaching.

coins in the fountain...

2008-08-06T15:15:00.001-07:00

So a couple of weeks ago I was having a bit of a bad day (okay, that's an understatement, but let's not relive the details), but luckily the meeting that really sealed my mood occurred just before I was to meet my friend Genevieve, who was visiting having time off from her job in Antarctica (no joke, this is one cool lady, in more ways than one). "Let's go out," I said, and so we first ventured to what was once the landmark restaurant known as La Cave in downtown Halifax, world famous for the best cheesecake in the universe. Over creme brulee and gingerbread with not-so-furtive glances exchanged at our fine waiter from time to time, Genevieve helped ease my mind over my mundane troubles. And I was further inspired to embark on another adventure. But let me first set the scene...

Back in my youth, more than 20 years ago, some older friends of mine initiated me into the tradition of scaling the fence of the Public Gardens and entering the night-time world of the park after dark, for the gates are locked at dusk. A lovely manicured Victorian park by day, by night the gardens become a whole other world. A place for lovers, a way to escape the bar culture, peace and quiet, and a place to get into a different kind of trouble. In the mid to late 1980s I would carry this large bag I had made, big enough to carry a bottle of wine and a ouija board in, always at the ready for a midnight adventure. I still have an old ouija board somewhere with a broken corner - the bag got snagged on the fence during one nocturnal raid.

Across the street from the Public Gardens is a large graveyard, which used to be open all the time, until someone was murdered in there in the 1990s. Both Genevieve and I had lived in houses near the graveyard, and we had both used it as a shortcut home on numerous occasions, before the locking of the gates began. As it seemed a more attainable goal (less traffic, more trees to hide behind), we eased ourselves under the gates of the graveyard, and dashed inside. It was a very foggy night, making the cemetary beautifully eery. We found ourselves under a huge concealing tree, which Genevieve eyed with a view to climb, but we just weren't wearing the right shoes, reminiscing about the old days of Halifax, and other tales from our travels over the years. The jaunt into the cemetary was sufficiently emboldening for us to reassess our true goal: the Public Gardens. So we rolled back out under the graveyard gate, no one having noticed our traipsing and trespassing, crossed the street, and proceeded to case the joint. We searched for a good place to go under rather than over behind the cover of two parked tour buses, but no auspicious opening was to be seen. It was while Genevieve was admonishing the ducks for discarding an empty beer bottle she picked up on the grass that the cop car pulled over. And the crazy redhead calls out to assure the cop we hadn't been drinking (which we hadn't), but luckily he had taken no notice of us anyhow. Still, it wasn't exactly the right moment to hop over the fence while the policeman was inspecting the grounds across the street with a flashlight, so we did a loop around the park. On our second pass, the police car had gone. It was do or die. Genevieve had staked her spot, while I looked on not at all convinced we would fit underneath the wrought iron grate at all. But in a flash, she was through - there was nothing for it, so under I went, and there we were, like spies in the night, ducking behind the nearest tree in fits of giggles, and streaking across the open grass to a denser copse of trees further away from the street. And it was as awesome as ever, perhaps more so after a 20 year absence. Sure I've been in there by day, taken Naomi to hear bandstand concerts on Sunday afternoons, fed the ducks in the pond. But this was different. Although the place has changed, having lost many trees to Hurricane Juan in 2003, when we found ourselves on the other side of the fence, I felt like we had gone back in time. Never have I felt so much like I was fourteen years old again! All the worldly cares that had brought me down earlier that evening disappeared.

Genevieve and I imagined the news copy: "...officials were puzzled when breathalyzer and drug tests taken from the two middle aged women caught trespassing in the Public Gardens last Thursday were negative for any illicit substances..."

Now there is another tradition that goes hand in hand with trespassing in the gardens after dark. There is a fountain where passers by throw coins for wishes.

I have often let Naomi rummage through my pockets looking for spare change for this very purpose. But back in the day, it was something of a tradition to strip down to our skivvies, hop into the fountain, and scoop up the coins. Then we would roll our damp silver and pennies, and spend our ill-gotten gains on treats (well, cigarettes, but I have since quit). In the stillness of the park I realized this was most likely the last time I would find myself in the gardens after dark, so there was just one thing left to do: take off my pants and hop into the fountain. Genevieve was close behind. Now we only scooped out a couple of ceremonious, token handfuls, hardly depleting the waters of the wishes they concealed beneath the surface. Genevieve has a better eye for spotting shiny things than I, like 1 and 2 dollar coins (and even a fifty-cent piece!), while I went more for quantity, using a more Hoover-like technique. There is still a dish full of coins on my kitchen table, it contains about $12, which I intend to use to open an RESP for Naomi.

Genevieve is gone now, making her way indirectly back to the South Pole for the winter (well summer, there). Today I could already detect an autumn scent on the August breeze, and soon enough September will be here again. As I return to university Naomi will get on the yellow schoolbus and begin grade primary, and soon enough this one summer adventure will be just one more Midsummer Night's Dream. But for a few moments I laughed again like I was fourteen years old, just like it was 1985, only it was even better.

What Would God Wear?

2008-07-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

So the other day Naomi asked me what kind of clothes god wears. Now we haven't really talked a whole lot about god. We have celebrated both Jewish and non-Jewish holidays, but god just really hadn't come up, and that was fine with me, as I'm really not quite sure what to tell her about god. She only noticed churches last week, and I don't think she really knows what they're for yet, and I have never taken her to a place of worship. So the other day I did tell her some people believe god made the world, but I'm not sure how much she was paying attention - but then she asked about the clothes. So I said I thought god(s) might not really wear clothes (but the idea of god naked was a bit too funny), but if they did, I bet they would be a lot like pyjamas, you know, like the togas of old. But as we gave this some more thought, we agreed maybe a god would like to wear princess dresses or fancy suits. After all, Naomi's favourite outfit at the moment is her Disney Cinderella costume (which is miles too big for her). So wouldn't god want to dress just like that too?

7 jobs and still underemployed...

2008-07-04T09:32:00.001-07:00

Okay, so we have been around the world and back, or almost. We flew back to Belfast to visit Naomi's Northern Irish grandmother in mid-May, seeing old friends and family in the North, down South in Dublin and Waterford, with a weeks' holiday in Marmaris, Turkey (that's in Asia!), and a too-brief stop with more old friends in Glasgow, Scotland on the way home. We have been back for a few weeks, and it has been busy, busy, busy and really, just utter chaos. I mean, I haven't seen my kitchen table since last December, and we've actually gone and invited COMPANY for the weekend, which means I need to find the table! The tomatoes are out of the freezer, the kidney beans are soaking, preparations are underway for a vegetarian Mexican feast, but also I really must get in the clean laundry that's been hanging on the porch for at least 2 days before it rains, not to mention clean the bathroom, tidy the bedrooms, and find that darn kitchen table. I mean, there isn't even any room left on it to pile more stuff on.

And why do these things never get done? Well, because I figure Naomi will only be 4 once, this is her last summer before she starts Big Kid School, so given the choice of doing the dishes or taking her to the beach, I generally opt for the beach (I sooo need a dishwasher...). Besides, the weather has been fairly poor, so you really need to go to the beach when the opportunity presents itself. The dishes will wait (Trust me!).

Oh, and because I have 6 jobs, depending on how you're counting. And none are full-time, and none will make me a rich woman. Here's the list: photographer with home-based wholesale poster/postcard business (summer tourist season only), research assistant at Dalhousie University, Assistant Client Services Manager for the tax company (but seasonally laid off 'til January), model for my friend Christian's art classes (starts next week, and before you ask, no, I will not be doing it nude, not just yet anyway. Thought I'd go for scantily clad.), and the latest: instructor of photography, yoga and active play for kids. I start teaching kids workshops next week through our local recreation centre - and I'm very excited. I have a huge pile of books I took out of the library to prepare myself. The funny thing is, the only thing I've ever taught anybody was sociology, and that was to university students (and frankly many of them were a bit bored I think), so this will be a bit of a challenge. But I took my first photography workshop at Woozles children's bookstore when I was 8 years old (I still have the pictures I shot too!), so I thought this would be a good idea. And job number six, writing my cookbook. Yet I feel like I'm forgetting something...oh yes! It is 7 jobs! I recently listed with a casting agency, and got called to work as an extra on the cable show "G-Spot" less than a week after I signed up! Hollywood (Bollywood?) awaits...And then there are the poledancing classes I've been taking, definitely not work, but cuts into my time.

So, busy as a bee. No time for laundry, toilet brushes, sock darning...

Still here...

2008-04-27T09:26:00.000-07:00

It may appear as though I had abondoned this site, but I assure all that this is not the case. Rather, I have been so busy, I haven't found a moment to keep in touch (or to keep up with the dishes, laundry, general housework...). Classes have ended for the year (hooray!), but I have yet to finish my last two assignments - hopefully by the end of this week it will all become a distant, fading memory...

The past year has been a particularly challenging one. It had been 8 years since I last graduated university, and my currrent MSc program in community health and epidemiology has been a real change from my previous areas of study. I like a challenge, but many things made it hard that I wasn't expecting. Although the course work is both intersting and demanding, the most difficult part of adjusting to school life again was coming back as a 'mature' student. The majority of students I went to school with everyday are a posse of bright-tailed, bushy-eyed young 'uns that both individually and collectively seem to be lacking in two areas I find important in fellow humans: a sense of humour and a sense of irony. They also are rather self-absorbed and lacking in plain old-fashioned manners. Now I have lived all over the world, and come into contact with a wide variety of people in my time, making friends from all sorts of backgrounds and ages, both younger and older. I completely fail to comprehend why I don't seem to get along with anyone in my program, but I have decided, after much agonizing and self-punishment in the matter, that I don't give a shit, and who needs 'em. Now that I have completed 6 out of eight courses, this isn't much of an issue anymore. It doesn't help that I have had difficulties with members of faculty as well, and am in the process of filing a grievance against one of my profs. Yes, I'm sure I am well loved in the halls...but here's the thing: I let too many people push me around in my undergraduate degree, and even my last master's program, and I'm not having it anymore. I am here to stand up for myself (so deal with it!).

Surprisingly, the being a mom part wasn't the biggest challenge, but then I have the best kid in the world! She does wish I had more time to spend with her, but she's so easygoing and independent that she isn't too hard to work around. I do try to take 'quality activity' breaks with her as often as I can even when I'm in the middle of writing papers, etc. Hopefully by the end of this week my last assignments will be done, and I can finally relax (this term has really been hell), and take more time to spoil my little one. We start with a trip to our new favourite place on Saturday, the Spryfield Lions Wave Pool (www.halifax.ca/Recreation/williamspry.html). We went 2 weekends ago for the first time, and had the best family outing I can remember for ages, probably since last summer. And the flyer came in the mail that Jellystone Park (www.campjellystone.com), also known as Yogi Bear Camp in our house, will be open in a couple of weeks - Naomi's favourite place last summer. I believe we will have to become members this year.

But before we can camp with Yogi, we will be off to Europe! Mid-May will see us fly across the ocean to visit Michael's mum and family, and of course our friends. It was a very spontaneous decision, but we need a break from our lives here so badly, especially now that Nepal has to be put off - that was what we had been focusing on since September, our Great Escape. It is a big disappointment that we can't get there just yet. A trip to Northern Ireland is not quite as exotic, but it has been 4 years since we were there, when Naomi was just 4 months old. There will be lots of great things to do, like go to the Zoo, Belfast Castle, the Botanic Gardens near my old office at Queen's University. We also plan to take a trip up north to Portrush and Giant's Causeway, where I have only been once, and without my camera! I am very excited, as I will be able to see a lot of old friends. My darling Susan has had TWO babies since I was last there (Natasha aged 21 months, and a very special welcome to Marcus John Joseph, born 13 days ago, 8 lbs, 8 ozs),and Sister Sarah has taken her vows in her Cistercian order at St. Mary's Abbey, County Waterford, where I will also be visiting. Sarah is one of several friends I missed on my last visit, making it 8 years since I've seen her. That will be a very special visit, and I am especially happy to be going down south to see her, while my other girlfriend has said she can travel from the South to Belfast to coincide with our visit. Hopefully I'll catch everyone from my days at Queen's on this visit.

How many more ways can my body fail me?

2008-03-08T05:33:00.000-08:00

As if it isn't bad enough that I require 3 medications a day to control my migraines and chronic daily headache --and by control, I mean I still get maybe 6-10 migraines a month, sometimes daily for a week at a time, just less than before and fortunately less intense most of the time-- bad enough that I go through thousands of dollars' worth of prescription drugs for acute migraines and pain in general (thank god for health insurance), bad enough that I don't dare have more babies while on the meds I take due to potential harm to the fetus (which absolutely breaks my heart as I would love to have more children--I try and wean myself off the pills from time to time, but the headaches always get worse, and 3 neurologists have advised me to stick with them. I'm waiting to see a 4th neurologist to try out Botox migraine therapy...), bad enough I require treatment for ongoing bladder problems (a minor irritant in comparison to the migraines, but still)--in addition to all this we now add three additional problems: after a second infection in my left ear several weeks ago, I still can't hear properly (unless you count the very loud ringing sound), and am waiting for an appointment with a specialist who will likely have to surgically drain it (ew!); I recently went to the dentist and discovered not only that I need my wisdom teeth out, but that I have a load of cavities which may in fact be a side-effect of my medications; but last and best of all, last week I participated in a research study comparing bone density of "normal controls" to patients with multiple sclerosis. I was supposed to be one of the normal controls, when the researchers discovered that I scored in the bottom 3% for bone density, with a score putting me at high-risk for osteoporosis (the good news is I fell off my chair yesterday and did not break my hip). I have since been referred for additional testing and may have to take even more meds for the rest of my life. Great. I'm only in my 30s, what the hell?!! I take more drugs than most seniors, and apparently am developing a senior's body too.

As if to shame me further, everyone I go to university with runs, bikes, etc. Half the people in my class run marathons. Because I take beta blockers for the migraines, I don't do cardio or stairs very well, and my academic department is on the 4th floor. I'm the only one who takes the elevator (I refer to it as my private elevator)--but I always walk down the stairs.

So how can a woman with the health of a 70 year old be seriously contemplating a 3-4 month trip to Nepal, with its hills, mountains, poor health conditions, all the walking and climbing involved just getting around, even if you aren't there to trek? Because I refuse to be a slave to my failing health. I will not let my failing body get the better of me. I will visit Ayurvedic doctors, witchdoctors and any other Nepali medicine men that can offer me a snake oil cure for headaches. I vow to work on my weaknesses and prepare for the very challenging and different lifestyle we will be leading when we get there. I need to increase my yoga (Naomi likes it too!), and work on my walking/stairclimbing. I hate this wather, but as it warms up Michael and I promised each other we'd start hiking and walking more to get me ready. I need some support from him to do it too. I can be ferociously lazy. Delaying our trip may be a blessing in disguise, as it gives me the summer to get more active, in addition to the time we need to save and fundraise.

Sh!t happens

2008-03-04T13:21:00.000-08:00

Of course date night was not to be. It did begin to snow, and the barometric pressure gave Michael a migraine, so we went home :-(
Once he felt a bit better we snuggled up on the couch and watched The Omen. He told me he first saw this when he was young, and it nearly put him off the idea of ever having children. Fortunately he changed his mind on that one.

Date Night (no I don't mean fruit)

2008-03-02T10:02:00.000-08:00

Well, tonight is supposed to be date night, that rare occasion when Michael and I spend time together after dark outside the house together sans enfant. I can't actually remember the last time this took place. Quality time for us is generally an hour or two when our schedules don't collide spent in comfy clothes on the couch in front of the TV. Usually Naomi is laughing and tickling and crawling all over us. Sometimes we have a conversation of substance when driving together in the car, if we're driving together in the same car that is. Somedays we only pass each other in opposite lanes on the highway, with Michael working nights and my classes during the day. Poor Naomi has two very exhausted parents a lot of the time.

So the plan is to go to the movies in an actual theatre, with movie theatre popcorn and everything (oh how I love that neon yellow stuff that is movie theatre popcorn!). I think the last movie I saw in a theatre with Michael was...I'm thinking...we saw Sicko on video...nope, it's not coming to me. We definitely went to the movies with friends on New Year's Eve, 2006! That's also the last time we did anything as a couple with other people. Pretty sad indeed. We have no life. Or we have very solitary lives for a married couple, which is a big reason why we need to get to Nepal. Now at least we have a shared dream again, and even that is already bringing us closer together when we were starting to drift apart. It's just so important to have something to look forward to. When everything becomes day-in, day-out, hum-drum doldrums, you have to find a point of light shining on the horizon, and focus hard to get you through.

This is all in the event that it doesn't snow again, of course, as it did last night, causing me yet another NDE (near death experience), as a truck lost control and nearly hit me on the drive home.

Still dreaming Nepali dreams...

2008-03-01T05:07:00.001-08:00

I know, I know, it seemed I had abandoned my post, if anyone out there was keeping tabs. It has been quite a difficult time. Winter is never the best time of year for me, and this one has been no exception. Our fundraising efforts have had to be set upon the back burner as we have simply been confronted with too many more pressing matters. I am very sorry to tell you, we have had to postpone our trip to Nepal. Not cancel, just postpone, but still, we are so looking forward to it, it has been constantly in our hearts and minds since we began planning back in September, that the idea of waiting even a few more months was a hard conclusion to come to. We need more time to save, to fundraise, and to organize ourselves. Our new departure date will depend on my summer income prospects--either we will leave in late summer and spend Christmas in Belfast with Michael's family on our return, or we will begin our journey in December in Belfast, and keep on towards Nepal. We have never spent Christmas in Ireland with Michael's mother and relatives before, so this in itself is pretty exciting. Naomi is sure to be spoiled rotten, her grandmother can't wait to get a hold of her and buy her all her wee heart desires. Sadly, Naomi and her Irish grandma have only met each other twice, and it has been two and a half years since the last visit.

I am continuing on with my graduate studies, but somehow I seem to be having a harder time keeping on top of things, but then I am working now too. School often has me so unsure of myself and so stressed out and frustrated that I wish I worked more and went to achool less. I'm content at work, I work with good people, and best of all, it ends as I leave the door. School is neverending--there's always more studying to do, upcoming assignments, worrying about grades (but mine have been excellent so far, dammit, I can do this science stuff too, even if everyone thought I was an arts-brain!). I keep telling myself the end is in sight:6 more weeks until end of term. Just 6 weeks.

On the homefront, the most exciting news is that I registered Naomi to begin school in September (we will be pulling her out to go to Nepal, although she will be going to school with Nepali children when we get there). Oh my big girl. Everyone tells me as a mom I will cry on that first day, but I don't think I will. But I just know she'll light up her classroom. She is pure light and love, my girl, she keeps me going.

Perhaps due to crazy stress levels or schedules that have us passing like ships in the night, or a lack of sunlight, or some misfortunate planetary alignment, everything else seems to be falling apart. My clothes dryer broke (you have never met a family with worse luck vis a vis appliances). It was a piece of shit to start with, but we can't afford to replace it. But that's hardly relevant anymore, as we are now having plumbing problems. The other day Naomi stuck half a roll of toilet paper down the toilet, and it took a professional 2 hours to unclog it. The upside was that since he was there anyway, we finally had someone look at the bathroom sink Michael has been promising to fix for over three months (I am so sick of brushing my teeth over the bathtub!). Our hundred-year+ plumbing was too much for him, the plumber needs to come back to sort out the sink. But it doesn't even end there, oh no. The day after he left the water started running, which means it has to be shut off except to occasionally flush the toilet or take care of an overgrowing pile of dishes. Now the water is the colour of mud. Great. Can't wash the laundry in that. Our house is now quickly being overrun by dirty clothes and dishes.

So perhaps for these reasons, it is understandable that Michael and I have had some bad days as husband and wife. Why is being a grown up so hard? Remember when you were a kid and thought all your problems would be solved by growing up?

having a down day

2008-01-18T17:54:00.001-08:00

Nepal is seeming far, far away, and back here in the real world I have to get up early tomorrow (have I mentioned that I am NOT a morning person?) so I can drive an hour in the cold to work. Although the homework for university still isn't massive, I have a stack of articles to read, and an obligation to report on malaria surveillance methods for Monday morning. There is laundry to do, dishes waiting, food growing scary science experiments in the fridge (I have a terrible phobia of bad food, so I make it worse by not dealing with it, so the mold progresses even more, adding to my phobia of cleaning it up...), and the kitchen table is once again being lost inch by square inch under junk mail and bills. Poor Naomi has been sick with a fever and respiratory infection (lucky for her, she was too ill to receive her 2 scheduled shots on Wednesday)for a few days, although she seems pretty much back to normal today. Michael is working late, so my only company is the voice on the speakerphone telling me, "Thank you for continuing to hold, your call is important to us..." -bet I eventually get disconnected, or told the business is closed until Monday. Oh, yup, prophetic indeed, it just cut me off, this very moment. Yes, I feel very blah today...

so much to do...

2008-01-14T16:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we took some time for a family outing to Ross Farm. It was a bright, sunny and mild winter day, neither Michael nor myself were working, and my studies are still pretty light as term has just begun. Of course Naomi was more enchanted with the ginger cat than the farm animals (despite the 3 cats we have at home), but we did enjoy the roosters' ruckus and the geese getting all riled up.

There will be few occasions like this between now and our departure for Nepal in mid-April, as we will be very busy between now and then. I can't believe how soon April is coming, less than 100 sleeps! I am in school full time, while returning to my winter job, not to mention the time I spend promoting our cause and fundraising. And Michael works full time, with a long commute, and he usually works overtime too. Naomi stays with Grandma a lot, but she may even spend a few more days at daycare this term - luckily she loves it there -when I was a kid, I hated daycare. For me, the same kids who picked on me at school for wearing glasses and dressing oddly (even at 5 I had my own sense of style, although I must say it has improved), got an extra couple of hours to torture me at daycare. Fortunately, Naomi is a happy, extremely social kid, and she doesn't need glasses (thank god for her father's eye genes)so she remains unteased and well adapted.

This week I should start hearing back from a number of organizations who are looking over our project proposal, and hopefully any day now I will have good news to report regarding our potential benefactors. In the meantime, I dread telling Naomi she's getting 2 more needles on Wednesday the 3rd for Hepatitis A/B, and 1st of three for rabies, with still more to come. She's going to hate me, isn't she...

I do have some news to share today: www.ppdconnect.org, a site for women with post partum depression and its survivors, has posted my story. There is link a the left.

We Did It! Another hurdle out of the way

2008-01-09T20:32:00.000-08:00

I'm so happy today, we met our goal of receiving 100 votes for our project at www.givemeaning.com, and we did it in less than 2 weeks! This means we will soon be eligible to receive contributions with their assistance, enabling us to give our donors tax receipts. This has been an all-consuming task for me, and for a while I really didn't think we'd get the votes - extra special thanks to Julia Drew Watt for spreading the word and starting the facebook group, and to Kate Venson, with her extensive networking abilities! And of course to everyone who voted! Spacibo bolshoi! We beat Hillary, Barack, Mitt Romney and the rest to the punch! For anyone keeping track, we are able to receive donations at this site, and it won't be long before our sisterlink is up and running and offering receipts. We aren't quite there yet, but I am growing more and more confident. And let me just say I am so impressed with givemeaning.com - I call their toll-free number with a few questions, only to learn that Tom, the head of the organization himself, had picked up the phone to answer my call. What's more, when I mentioned which project I was representing (there are thousands) he said, "oh yes, I remember this one." We had a very pleasant conversation, and afterwords I felt like I had just called Microsoft and spoken with Bill Gates.

I have approached several local organizations for their support of our work with Info-Nepal, and have been getting positive feedback from most quarters. Hopefully I will have some good news to report with sponsors starting next week.

What I dread most at this moment is letting Naomi know she is due for yet another injection on Monday. I intend to bribe her: I bought her a cute little mermaid doll, for my little girl who wants to be a mermaid when she grows up.

Nepali Lessons

2008-01-06T07:03:00.000-08:00

Naomi and I had our second Nepali 'lesson' yesterday, using the only Nepali Language program we could find, other than books, of which I have also ordered one that has not yet arrived. Now this may help us pick up a few words, but I am quite doubtful as to how much of the language I can really learn this way, Rosetta Stone it is not. And just who designs this stuff anyway? Some of the words in the vocabulary are truly absurd: do I really need to know how to say sailboat (Nepal is mountainous and landlocked, hello) or igloo in Nepali? Is anyone living in an igloo up there on Everest? I can now say things like "the rabbit is in the hat," and "the gorilla is on top of the car," but have yet to get to the important stuff like "where is the bathroom?" or "Do you speak English?" But you can play the memory card game with Nepali picture and word cards, which Naomi enjoys. Thanks to http://sharad325.blogspot.com you directed me to Nepali lessons on youtube, which I will definitely be checking out. I have studied 8 languages already, never by computer, so I remain skeptical.

Sock Monkeys and Fuglies for donations!

2008-01-04T11:07:00.000-08:00

Hand-made fuglies and sock monkeys for donations! Fuglies for $25 or more, monkeys for $35 (incl North American shipping).

Watch Out! Here Comes Jenny From the Block!

2008-01-03T17:44:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is my last day of freedom from reality, I will be forced to rejoin the harsh, cold, winter world of commuting, classes by day, and work by night. Let there be no confusion about this, I don't actually permit anyone to call me Jenny, but it is something of a self-referential in-joke that come tax season, I become Jenny From the Block. So as not to get Dooced here, I'm not actually naming the company I work for, I'll leave that to your inquisitive minds, but rest assured, I don't actually prepare anyone's taxes, although since I passed biostatistics last term with what I consider to be flying colours, even my husband has agreed to stop making fun of my math skills. No, have no fear, I am Tax Office Hostess Extraordinaire! I am not dissing my employer, I had a great time as Jenny From the Block last year (believe me, I am the most shocked of all), and look forward to a continued run. But I am worried about managing a full class load and a job, while still having time for my kid (I guess Michael will just have to manage). As biostatistics was my enemy last term, this semester infectious diseases will likely cause me the most grief, but I find them far more interesting. We already have ebola virus and black plague plush toys at home.

Mission Statement

2008-01-01T20:02:00.000-08:00

Did you ever want to lend a helping hand? Did you ever just need to get away?

For any new readers who aren't familiar with my story:

Four years ago I had a beautiful baby girl, Naomi. Then I got sick with constant migraines and post-partum depression, which continued for over 2 years. I started having a kind of mid-life crisis, disappointed that I hadn't reached goals I had set for myself. I always wanted to work in the developing world, doing some small measure of good. I have degrees in international development and sociology, and yet I never found an opportunity to put these to use in the field. Four days after Naomi turned one, on my husband's birthday, the Tsunami happened, breaking my heart even more. I could no longer sing lullabies to my daughter at night without starting to tear up, thinking of all those children, washed away. I clung tight to my baby girl, blessed that we are so fortunate to have her.

I couldn't work, I was on as many as 9 medications at once (some of the side effects were truly fantastic: eating too much, eating too little, exhaustion, facial twitching, and my personal favourite, hearing voices), I could barely hold myself together, while also going through a painful family crisis with my long-lost father. Financially, things were tough, as my husband and I had worked from home for years, in a business now failing. He got a job in a call centre, where he has quickly risen through the ranks to management, but that too has taken its toll. He suffers from severe headaches, insomnia, and burnout. Partially for the fear that Michael's job might not be enough security for us, after 2 years of trying to find a job myself that pays more than $10/hr, I went back to university last September to do a second master's degree, this time in the field of community health and epidemiology. I hope this leads me closer to my goal of working in the field of health in the developing world. Now between my class schedule, part-time job and Michael's shifts, some days we see each other for as little as 15 minutes a day. We've had a harder and harder time keeping things together, despite nearly 12 years together. We fight more, he becomes more withdrawn, I become more frustrated.

But then we had a revelation, out of the blue. We'll quit this First World, Pop Culture Lite Uncivilization, at least for a little while, and live our dream: we'll volunteer for an NGO called Info-Nepal near Pokhara, Nepal. We'll teach our daughter about compassion; that there is more to life than tv, computer games and Barbie dolls; show her that there are very different ways of living this life. We'll be able to make some small difference working in a village clinic, teaching English and computer skills to local kids, work in an orphanage in one of the poorest countries in the world. And maybe, hopefully, we'll find some personal renewal, strengthen a marriage that really needs a boost.

Party Cat

2008-01-01T08:45:00.000-08:00

Here is Zoro, the Party Cat sporting one of Naomi's tiaras and posing for Naomi's new Little Tikes digital camera, on which Naomi has taken nearly 200 blurry photos primarily of the living room rug.

I spent New Year's as I spend many evenings, the only one awake past 10 pm (Michael, who is sick, was up later than usual), watching CSI reruns. Very thrilling. At midnight I wished Gary Sinise, Melina Kanakeredes, Anna Belknap, Hill Harper, hottie who used to play Rachel's boyfriend Tag on Friends, and my fave, Carmine, a Happy New Year before popping a couple of Advil Liquigels and toddling off to bed at the crack of 1 am. Before I became such a homebody I would no doubt have found myself dancing and drinking the night away at Reflections Cabaret, the gayest spot in town, where the drag queens may be more beautifully dressed than the women. I love gay clubs, less chance of dull straight men hitting on you, more chances to dance with sexy men who don't actually want anything from you.

But today Michael doesn't have to work, and he's feeling somewhat better even if his voice somewhat resembles Freddie Krueger's. It's family day. We are making crafts. Naomi got a dreamcatcher and book about Native traditions from her grandma, and so today we are set to make her a mask. I have also been making kooky stuffed dolls for a couple of days (3 completed, 2 more cut out) for Naomi and some of our friends' kids. They are awesome looking. Then I will continue playing the role of the perfect wholesome mom and wife by preparing a homemade meal of corn chowder with chipotle chilis and cheese and onion bread.

doctors and needles

2007-12-31T08:49:00.000-08:00

Poor Naomi is having quite the week. In addition to her trip to the emergency room (nose is fine now), the rounds of immunizations for the trip to Nepal have begun. So far she has had three within 8 days. There will be the last hepatitis A/B shot in 14 days, plus 3 rabies shots, 1 for Japanese encephalitis, and I don't think that's the full list. And although she was an angel for the first 2 needles, so brave she didn't even cry, after the nasal nightmare at the hospital, she has developed a bit of a generalized fear of all medical professionals- I imagine this is perfectly rational from a 4-year-old's perspective. At the hospital, they let me give her the sedative medication up her nose ("trust me, I'm an epidemiologist.."). Today she got all worked up, and was crying so hard she didn't even notice when the doctor shot her in the ass. Once again I had to promise Scooby-Doo (I hate that damned dog) and more chocolate ice cream.

the holidays aren't complete without a trip to the ER

2007-12-28T18:43:00.000-08:00

This is the toy responsible for all the trouble. I don't know what possessed her, but Naomi felt compelled to shove a small piece of green fun foam up her left nostril yesterday. When I asked her why, all she could come up with was, "I didn't want it on the couch." Somehow, in her barely four-year-old brain that made sense. She came running up the stairs crying hysterically, blood pouring down her face, I was terrified, I had no idea what she'd been up to. To make matters worse, Michael was at work, meaning we were at home with no car, and on top of that we were in the middle of a freezing rain storm. I did the only thing I could do, I called my blessed friend Sandra to bail us out (yet again), and off we went to the Emergency Room. Once the initial panic wore off, she was even calm enough to nap on the drive to the city, and played happily enough with another stricken child in the waiting area. But it would not end that simply, oh no. She rammed that thing up there good and tight. The poor thing was (justifiably)terrified, asking me how they would get it out. Well, for a time it seemed even the medical professionals weren't quite sure what to do, as the first attempts using suction and then pincers were not only unsuccessful, but made matters much worse for poor Naomi's state of mind. Oh, god, it was awful. I hate to lie to my child, but she kept asking if it would hurt. I hate to see her cry, she hardly ever does, and I'm not sure she has cried that much ever in one day. It was all I could do not to cry myself, as it took two of us to pin her arms and secure her head as she was screaming in fear, saying, "it hurts, it hurts!" The first doctor couldn't get it out, so they sent in the ENT specialist (some guy young enough to be my boy-toy love-slave. His class ring was dated '06, I hate it that doctors and lawyers and other professionals I might need can now be younger than me, when did that happen?!). He couldn't get it either on the first attempt. Now Naomi is truly freaking out. I had to bribe her with everything I could think of: unlimited viewing of her favourite Scooby-Doo video, popcorn, and chocolate ice cream. In the end they had to use 3 drugs: 1 to sedate her (that one left her stoned and stumbling like a drunk afterwards), one to numb her nose, and one to shrink the nasal tissues. It still took a few attempts, but finally, a squishy, bloody, green fun foam rectangle emerged.

I have now officially earned my mommy wings. And I did let her watch her video and make her popcorn today, with a promise of ice cream for tomorrow, true to my word.

Birthday planning

2007-12-21T07:12:00.000-08:00

Today is the last day that I will be the mother of a 3-year-old. Tomorrow is Naomi's fourth birthday, being celebrated by a big party. I am up to my eyeballs in tasks required to get this crazy house of ours ready for 12 small children and their parents. The house truly is in chaos, but perhaps somehow it will all come together in the end. Right now the kitchen table remains disguised by piles of mail, bills, and general junk, there is a ladder waiting for me to finish painting one wall in the living room, which for some reason we decided was absolutely necessary before we could have visitors in our living room (we have been meaning to paint and rearrange the furniture for about 2 years. We are world-class procrastinators in this house).

I have to admit it is very exciting. I am really a grinch when it comes to xmas, but this year I am almost getting into the spirit, and even enjoying it a bit. I went on a mad shopping spree for party supplies, birthday gifts (and it's daddy's birthday in 5 days too), xmas gifts, decorations, all I need to do now is put one more coat of paint on the wall, get a tree, decorate it, clean the kitchen table and put out food etc for the party, finish making the treat bags with Naomi, move the furniture, vacuum, tidy, go to the grocery store, and make sure Naomi and I have baths...sure, we can do all this by 11:00 am tomorrow...

Free parenting advice

2007-12-18T16:31:00.000-08:00

Don't decide to spontaneously cut your child's hair with children's safety scissors. I was brushing Naomi's gloriously long, yogurt-encrusted hair today when I thought I'd just quickly trim a wee bit off the ends, and reached for the pair of blue-and-purple safety scissors with the rounded ends that happened to be sitting next to me on the end table. Big mistake. Although they are definitely sharp enough to cut hair, they don't cut evenly. After the first 'incision' this became obvious, and yet I stubbornly continued on, too lazy to get up and retrieve a pair of proper scissors from the kitchen. Naomi remained mercifully unaware (I don't think she noticed the fact that I was cutting her hair at all, that might have actually freaked her out, as I've only ever trimmed it twice in her nearly 4 years), and in the end, I don't think anyone will notice.

Acts of kindness- Do It For The Kids!!

2007-12-17T09:55:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of Bloggers Unite Acts of Kindness Day, do something nice today. I made my husband coffee. But I do more than that. If I could be anything I wanted when I grow up, I would like to be a philanthropist. I'm broke, but I give stuff away all the time. Research does show that poorer people give proportionately more of their income to charity than rich people. I have fantasized about winning the lottery and traveling the world over-tipping harassed waitresses, and topping up people's parking meters for them. Did you know it is actually ILLEGAL to put money in someone else's parking meter?! One more reason the world makes no sense to me. I always try to put something in the Food Bank donation box at the grocery store. I give granola bars to homeless people on the street (there's often a granola bar in my purse even when there isn't any money). I hate Christmas, I often don't even celebrate it (now I am made to because of Naomi), but I do always give new toys to the Salvation Army toy drives. And I'm slaving away in academia so that someday I can change the world, a tiny bit. I am basically a good person, underneath the sarcasm and cynicism.

If you don't feel that you have committed enough acts of kindness lately, you can always donate to your favourite charity, give the next homeless person you see a bill instead of spare change, forget about work and go play with your kid(s), give your wife a foot massage for no good reason - there are a million things to do out there.

And if you want to improve your karma,
click the donate button :-)
Do it for the kids!

Happy Day All.

Boycotts and blizzards

2007-12-16T10:50:00.000-08:00

I hereby call for a boycott of Esso Imperial Oil. Despite my "automatic delivery" home-heating plan, for the 3rd time, we ran out of oil last night. No big deal, right? After all, it was only -15 degrees celcius outside (I'm not sure what that is in fahrenheit, but it's f*@king cold!). After visiting the scary but no-longer flooded basement (after all, if it was still flooded, it would be a personal ice-rink) to ensure it was lack of oil and not the furnace, I proceeded to the next logical step: call the oil company's emergency no-heat line. The first time I called, at 10 pm, I was on hold for several minutes before BEING DISCONNECTED! The second time I called, I did get through to someone after a few minutes who gave the (erroneous) impression that she was on top of the situation, and was dispatching a technician right away. With no indication of any technician on the horizon, and increasing fears that the taps would freeze yet again (oh yeah, not to mention the fac that by this point I was FREEZING!), at 11:15 I called back, to hear that dreaded message, "We are currently experiencing a higher than usual call-volume. You're estimated wait-time is 30 minutes." Great. After waiting more than 30 minutes, and watching the thermometer drop from 7 down to 6 degrees, eventually I got through, only to get the same telephone operator. She assures me she has called the technician, and that she will call again, and that she will even give me the number to call myself. But as she's talking it becomes apparent that she hasn't actually talked to anyone, only left a message on someone's voicemail. I knew that was a bad, bad sign. The number she gave me yielded a recorded message saying that hours of operation are 8-5, and spouts out 2 cell numbers and an 888 toll-free number. I left messages on both cells, and called the 888 number only to be told by yet another recording that this number was not available in my area. What?! Just after midnight I realized no one was coming. I crawled into bed with Naomi, she always has hot feet.

And this morning, when I called promptly at 8am, I learned from a new operator that the woman I talked to the night before CALLED THE WRONG NUMBER! She never talked to the technician because she didn't call the 24-hour number! By the time they did find a man with an oil truck, it took another 2 hours for him to get here, by which time the ambient air around my sofa had dropped to -2 degrees (that's about 31 fahrenheit, or f*@king cold).

I am changing oil companies Monday morning.

And the blizzard they predicted started an hour ago. Bet the power goes out just as the house starts to get warm.

From the past into the future

2007-12-15T04:54:00.000-08:00

Don't be misled here, I have traveled before, but make no mistake: I was never traveling on a trust fund. I traveled to Israel on a full academic scholarship the first time, and to Northern Ireland on student loans I have yet to pay off more than a decade later. I worked my way around the world. When I couldn't find a job at home, I worked overseas instead (and as a consequence my Canadian pension funds are virtually nil, as I wasn't even living here to be contributing through much of my 20s). I was a cocktail waitress at 15 in Estoril, Portugal, a coffee shop waitress, and bartender at a United Nations Base (that was a great job) in Israel. I taught sociology at university in Belfast, I worked on 3 different kibbutzim, and then there was that year I spent in the Israeli army...I paid my own way. It seemed possible to move anywhere in the world with just $500 in your pocket.

But I was young and single then. Now I am a mom, and the proud owner of a mortgage, and worse yet, my husband has a day job. This does make it much harder to get away, I have been waiting not-so-patiently for years now. Excepting a fairly awful Florida vacation of less than a week last January, and 1 trip so Naomi could meet her grandmother in Ireland when she was 4 months old, I have barely moved beyond a 100-mile radius since 2002. They aren't kiddding when they tell you everything changes after you have a baby, even though Michael and I never planned for it to be the end of our traveling. Still, he seems more settled than I am, and more attached.

But he also longs for Nepal. We have been having some hard years, and are sharing a mini-mid-life-crisis. Maybe not so mini. I was so sick after Naomi was born with constant migraines and more, it took years and daily fist-fulls of heavy-duty medications to get me back to functional. I still rely on about half a dozen types of pills every day, for three separate medical problems- and I'm only 36! What the hell?! I was still doing yoga in my 8th month of pregnancy, even as I approached 180 lbs, and I could still do tree pose without falling over. Now I'm winded by 2 flights of stairs, due to one of the drugs I take. Saddest of all, Naomi remains an only child because of the meds. We would love nothing more than to have more children, and we talk about adoption, but my veins and womb are polluted with pharmaceuticals, as I get closer and closer to 40.

And Michael has his own problems. He is plagued by headaches, insomnia and stress. He is so overworked, putting in overtime nearly every day, on top of a 2-hour commute, which is now a 2-hour+ thrill ride on snowy and icy roads. I don't know how they get away with advertising those cars with winter tires speeding madly without fishtailing in whiteout blizzards- our new snow tires don't seem to slip any less than the old all-seasons. And between his schedule and mine, we have problems. For years Michael and I ran a home-based business, we spent virtually all our time together for the first 7 years of our relationship. Once he went to work, somehow we started to argue more. Call it an adjustment period. We've been together nearly 12 years and still call each other on the phone 2-3 times a day if he's at work, and say I love you every time (nauseatingly cute, I know). But it has become a lot harder to be a couple since we became a family sometimes. We never used to fight at all, unless it was over something stupid, like definitions of words, or historical events...we're both terrible bookworms. Our house is littered in books and magazines on dozens of subjects, as is the car.

In "Chasing the Monsoon" Alexander Frater mentions The Monsoon Cure, or the Kerala Cure people go to India for during the monsoon season. I think that is part of what we are looking for. We need some healing, physically and mentally, separately, and as a couple. The only thing we don't need to work on is being Naomi's parents. She is absolutely adored. She is what gets us through the hard days (and the easy ones). Her smile is infectious, and she's always full of giggles and smiles.

Nepal represents hope for us. A much needed break, not a vacation, just a change of scenery, a new window on the world. We've been together too long to call it a second honeymoon, some days it seems we're closer to needing marriage counselling. Not because we don't love each other, we do, very much. Just because life keeps getting more and more complicated, and harder to hold together.

If you're in your 30s, or older, are you happy with where you landed? Is this what you dreamed of? Is this what you planned to do with your life? I planned to be somewhere like Nepal, lending a hand, not here in the snow, struggling to pay the bills. Somewhere where life is meaured in more simple terms, not by the latest cellphone style, ipod, or new car. I'm quite sure I'll never own a new car. I hate to think of Naomi growing up wanting these things, and perhaps not caring about more substantive issues. Poverty like what exists in Nepal may be ugly, but it isn't that complicated (until you start analysing the world-wide imbalance of trade, transnational corporations, Western economic domination...let's not go there right now).

How do you measure wealth? We have a house and a car and a computer and a colour tv (and cable, thank god for cable, I admit I do love my digital cable), all things I did not have as a child. But I do not have an extended family, a relationship with my neighbours, or a vast social network. What would you rather have? What would you rather your children have? I always hoped I could grow up and live on a tropical island somewhere where life was simpler. You know, playing catch with coconuts on the beach instead of comparing the latest fashions in the schoolyard...maybe it doesn't exist, but this 24-hour, drive-thru, pop-culture civilization lite we find ourselves in just doesn't make me feel at home. This time of year especially the brutal, in-you-face materialism of the holidays pushes me over the edge. I will not buy Disney products or Bratz dolls. When Naomi gets Barbie merchandise as gifts, I give them away to charity. I hate branding. I have never set foot inside the Gap except to apply for a job - which I didn't get. I shop at yard sales and second-hand stores, if I shop at all. I make things like scarves and sock monkeys as gifts.

wondering the world

2007-12-14T17:31:00.000-08:00

I've been paging through "Don't let the World Pass you By: 52 Reasons to own a passport," and it gives me reasons to reflect. Geared to the average non-passport owning American who may not have ever left their home state, this book reads like a "Get off Your Ass! and see the world" tirade in a rather puerile tone, interspersed with comments by travelers and suggestions and lists of things to do and places to see. I had hoped for more from Lonely Planet Publications, but then it has at least spurred my thinking onto the topic of the wonders of my world, those I have seen, and those I'd like to see. Hmmm...the Pyramids of Giza were the greatest disappointment of my traveling life. If you ever go, take my advice and rent the horse or the camel. The grounds are not only overflowing with other tourists by the busload, but there are hawkers everywhere, devoted to hassling you into giving them money, to ride on a camel, or just have your photo taken with one, to buy postcards or other souvenirs and cheap trinkets- it was the worst experience ever- far from inspiring. The pyramids of Mexico, Guatemala and Honduras however, were spectacular, and much more peaceful. I keep swearing that I'll stop climbing things: I've been up the stairs of the Statue of Liberty, up and down all those pyramids, trekking in northern Thailand (oh my god, was I ever in bad shape for that!), and up Mount Sinai on New Year's Eve, 1995. There are 2 routes up the mountain, both culminating in the 700 Steps of Repentence that lead to the top (where you can buy Coca Cola and snacks, by the way). We accidentally went up the hard way. But it was a clear and beautiful night as we walked down the easier path. I've seen the Aswan Dam, Erie Canal, and Niagara Falls (yes, we even spent a night of our honeymoon there in a jungle-themed room complete with mirrored jacuzzi. It was awesome). But as amazing to me as Niagara was a cascade in Guatemala I don't know the name of. The falls weren't that high or that wide - but the waterfall was hot water, from a nearby hotspring. Parts of it were too hot to stand under, but we lingered there for ages, enjoying the best quality shower we'd had in months (if anyone out there is a die-hard Survivor fan, in the Survivor Guatemala series, one of the reward challenges consisted of a spa treatment at this place, next to these falls).

One of the favourite places I've been is Graceland, Memphis, Tennessee. I'm not a huge Elvis fan, but if you're in Tennessee, you just have to go to Graceland (like the song says, "we all will be received in Graceland"). I had a total blast, even if I didn't pay extra to see the automobile collection or the Lisa Marie airplane. I'm also glad I got to see Stonehenge, (don't even ask about the time Michael and I tried to get to Giant's Ring in Northern Ireland, it's a bit of a sore spot), and this place not far from Dublin where St. Kevin hung out in a cave. Fatima, Portugal was surreal, as I'm sure Lourdes would be. Pilgrims walking or crawling for miles to see the site, where in addition to the chapel there is also a wax museum depicting the 3 children who saw a vision of the Virgin.

I collect places as I do postcards. Yes, I have been priveleged. I have also seen unspeakably horrible places like Auschwitz, Birkenau, Majdanek, Treblinka. I learned much from these places too, but I would not want to go back. And the most intense place for me, unlike any other, was Israel. It kept pulling me back. It has a way of making complete sense, and none at all. The first time I visited Jerusalem, I saw pious Jews praying so close to the Wailing Wall, they nearly scratched their skin against the stone. Before long, the call of the muezzin came clear from the speakers of the Dome of the Rock just above, and beyond that, church bells from the many churches in the Grove of Olives. I backed away to try and absorb all of this, thinking of all who have focused their lives on what is represented in these few city blocks of space, the religious centre of the world to Jews, Christians and Muslims (and don't forget the Ba'Hai's just up the road with their spiritual centre in Haifa). And it seems insane. How can this be? And if there is a god, and if god has a home on earth, this must be it.

Jerusalem is not my favourite place in Israel. Well, my favourite spot once was a kibbutz called Be'it Ha'Emek, but that is a very long story. I loved many places. The road to Tiberius is beautiful, and I love the sign you pass telling you that you are at sea level, as the road continues downward. I loved Eilat, I always had good times with good friends when I went there. I never spent much time in Tel Aviv except changing trains and buses, which I did a lot. Oh, except for the first time I went there, when there was a foiled terrorist attack on the Tel Aviv beachfront. I was on the beach that very day, wondering what all the helicoptors were doing up there in the bright blue sky. I liked shopping in Haifa. But my place was in Nahariya, a small town near Lebanon. In the winter, the scent of eucalyptus on the night air was intoxicating.

winter wonderland

2007-12-12T07:29:00.000-08:00

It's a picture-perfect winter world outside today, everything covered in a layer of fresh snow that fell during the night, silently. Naomi looked out the window and was, of course, ecstatic. "Mommy, Mommy! Look it's snowing! Mommy, get up!" I am not, however, a winter person. I lived overseas for several years in several places, all of which had no, or very limited amounts of, snow. I often wonder why it is I came back to Canada 11 years ago, and I often regret it, especially this time of year. I still don't want to stay here for life, it's too damn cold. I am a cold-blooded person, my hands and feet are freezing most of the year, like a lizard's. I am happiest barefoot (and Michael is all for having me barefoot and pregnant again, he jokes. I was so happy when I was pregnant, huge and happy. I thought it was hilarious to be 60 lbs heavier. Not so funny now, when I still haven't lost it all 4 years later...). But I need socks from late August until June. My feet are very accurate gauges for the outdoor temperature. I hate sleeping in socks, I wish I could wear sandals all year long. I am just a little bit SAD. I used to be much worse.

But Naomi helps bring some joy to the season I would not otherwise feel. She's right, it is pretty outside. But luckily her dad took her out to play, while I can remain my indoor self. It rather worries some people that left to my own devices I can stay indoors for days on end without even really noticing. She will go out and make snowangels gleefully, eat handfuls of snow, and eventually come in with cherry-red cheeks. I'll be here, huddled by my space-heater at the computer.

Anyone out there who has travel tales from Nepal, please share! We are still looking for contacts in the Pokhara region, with the university or any hospital. I am planning to do community health research while we are there, and I hope to find support over there to this end. If we can't link up with anyone suitable in Pokhara, perhaps we will stay closer to Kathmandu after all - Pokhara just sounds so beautiful, although we will visit both while we are there. Naomi and I read our National Geographic magazines together now, and have been looking at pictures of elephants in Chitwan National Park. I told her mommy and daddy rode elephants in Thailand, now she wants a try.

chanukah doughnuts

2007-12-08T12:07:00.001-08:00

We finally made our sufganiyot, or chanukah doughnuts, Naomi and me. Not a Nepali speciality, I'm sure, but mmm are they ever good. These aren't traditional chanukah doughnuts, but are from an African recipe:

1/2 cup butter at room temperature
1/2 cup sugar
2 eggs, beaten lightly
1/2 teaspoon each cinnamon and nutmeg
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 teaspoons baking powder
3 cups flour

Mix the butter and sugar, then add the other ingredients. When well mixed, use your hands to knead dough into a ball. Break off small bits and roll into balls, about 1 1/2 -2" in diameter. Deep-fry at 350 degrees fahrenheit until golden, and roll or dip in cinnamon sugar.

Girls' night

2007-12-06T09:11:00.000-08:00

Last night was the second night of Chanukah. Michael was working, so it was just us girls. Grandma found Naomi a lovely Chanukah book where you press a button and the candles light up - we took this to preschool today to share for storytime, and it was a big hit. But even better was the adorable little snow-globe I found months ago that I had been saving. Inside there's a stick-figure sort of smiling little girl figure with a handful of heart-flowers in her hand, and on the base it says Daughter, and around the back, "Daughters are made with love." She adores it, spent the rest of the evening shaking up the snow, saying, "Look at me inside!" A true treasure.

Special thanks today to Mary Lou Bourgeois, my massage therapist, for her donation. See her ad, use her services! If anyone else would like to make a donation in exchange for ad space, please e-mail me at: idftress@gmail.com.

And tonight is another type of girls' night out - I am very psyched. The Dalhousie University Student and Staff Art Show opens tonight at the Gallery, so I decided to make an occasion out of it. I wrote my last exam, I never get out after dark, never get an excuse to dress up, so I have a black sparkly dress (second-hand store find) to wear, and I might even sip my first cocktail since before I got pregnant with Naomi. My girlfriend and I are going out for dinner first, at a restaurant that does not serve the all-day breakfast special. This is really glam for me.

Happy Chanukah!

2007-12-05T11:18:00.000-08:00

School is almost almost over (last exam yesterday, 2 papers and one stats assignment to go, just one more week!), and so now I can focus more energies into planning our trip. The past 2 weeks has been pretty stressful. Everyone in our house keeps saying, "I wish we could go to Nepal today." I've been making a list in my head of things I want to do there. I absolutely cannot wait to see honest-to-god snake charmers. I've always wanted to, and now I will have the chance. I also intend to visit a host of health practitioners who can advise me on my migraines, but more importantly, I can't wait to go to a yoga centre there, see hippie-dippy backpacker land in Thamel and Pokhara, climb to the Peace Pagoda, visit a wildlife reserve, see the bright-red spring rhododendron flowers in bloom (the national flower). And of course to meet the people, see Naomi in a Nepali school uniform, see her make new friends. And there's the monsoon to come...

I realise I'm sounding a little hippie-dippy here myself, and that's okay, but there's a lot more to me than that. But I have to be more of a mom for a while, I feel I have neglected poor Naomi these past few weeks, studying like mad. I'm back at home again everyday, I have time to cook proper meals again, and maybe, just maybe I'll finish all the laundry by New Year's (last year I was just 2 loads away before I ran out of soap on December 31 - how sad am I to spend New Year's Eve trying to get caught up with the laundry), and if we're really lucky, I'll find the surface of my desk and the full uncovered area of the kitchen table...I'm a great cook, a good mom, but a terrible housekeeper.

For now, it's just an hour before sunset when we will light our chanukah candles, and Naomi's eyes shine just as bright. Yesterday she got a hand-made mermaid doll, and she's been playing with her all day.

It's a happy day! :-)

The Rain Goddess Awaits the Monsoon

2007-11-26T19:53:00.000-08:00

Perhaps I didn't mention that I am a rain goddess. My immediate family and friends are aware of this, it has always been so, so it seems. It always rains on my birthday, on days that I embark or return from significant journeys. On days that are of emotional significance. It's quite predictable. I do love the rain, the only problem is that now sometimes I suffer migraines with it - not always.

We don't have a lot of choice about the time of year we will be traveling to Nepal - I finish classes in early April, and start again in September. The monsoon season is a result of the largest climatic cycle on earth, beginning in mid-June, and running until August, so about half our trip will be flooded with rains like no other on the planet. Initially this had me worried, monsoons bring mosquitoes, leeches, mud and washed out roads, and cloudy skies to ruin the views of our surroundings. But then I was guided to a wonderful book, "Chasing the Monsoon," by Alexander Frater. I am just at the beginning of his odyssey, as in 1987 he set forth to follow the course of the Monsoon from the tip of southern India where the first raindrops fall, to the wettest spot on earth. His personal story is unique: finding himself ill and rundown, one day he is suddenly inspired to throw caution to the wind and pursue this mad goal of following the monsoon, one I very much identify with. In many ways, this is what we are doing, trying to leave our troubles behind, and go on a quest for some new dream, a pursuit that may seem crazy to some, although I have to say, many people have been supporting of our planned adventure, especially of the fact that we are taking our young daughter along. I keep A book about Nepal in the bathroom now, and when she's doing her number twos, she likes me to show her the pictures in it.

Rain is different in different places. Michael is from Northern Ireland, where we think it rains a lot - and it does, but it doesn't rain a lot for prolonged periods of time, and it doesn't often truly pour. It might rain many days in a row, but only briefly, followed by rainbows and leprechauns. He was surprised to experience Nova Scotian rains, true cats-and-dogs pouring rains, rainy streaks that last a week. I always regretted missing rainy season in Africa - it only rained once when I was there - and it poured, it was tremendous. One of the best outpourings from the sky I recall was in Phuket, Thailand. We were so drenched in the market place I had to buy new things when it ended, my shoe broke in the mud.

I love all the thrills the earth can give us - with the possible exception of snow - I'm not a winter person, but even I will admit awe at the storm termed "White Juan" here in 2004, where the blizzard dumped over 3 feet of snow. I've been in hurricanes, and most thrilling of all, one of the most exciting moments of my life thus far, an earthquake in Guatemala. Small by the local standards (5.0), a mere tremor, but enough to wake me with the sound of roaring thunder, shaking the bed and the room - oh it was awesome. For days afterwards I dreamt I was in another one, I would wake up unsure if there had been an aftershock. Michael slept through the whole thing!

More plans

2007-11-24T18:51:00.000-08:00

I've just had a very reassuring conversation with the Canadian Coordinator for Info-Nepal, answering many of my questions, and fueling my excitement about this trip. The crunch of end-of-term academic stress is causing me day after day of migraines, and our departure date in April seems so far away (while the biostatistics quiz I might fail this Thursday is looming large). At least I had a moment to focus on another neglected part of my life last night as I chose three pieces to submit to the university Staff and Student Art Show - not like a show at the Met or anything, but my photography is something I do so little of these days, it was a nice distraction. I even got around to making a home-cooked meal yesterday - a new vegetarian chili recipe that I deemed good enough to put in the cookbook I'm writing - the first time I've worked on that since the summer (although it doesn't take that long to type up one recipe, that was still time I should have spent writing an essay, preparing a presentation, or trying to somehow comprehend statistics).

I've now been told that Nepalis will love to see us traveling with a little girl, and that Naomi will be warmly welcomed in school. I hadn't thought about it, but of course they wear school uniforms there - how adorable will she be, 4 years old in a Nepali school uniform with new friends? What an amazing experience - this will actually be her first school - although she goes to preschool 2 half-days a week now, she doesn't start kindergarden until after we get back.

I also will be doing health research while we're there, which I can get credit for towards my degree. I haven't quite worked out the details, but I was thinking of maybe looking at what brings villagers to a health clinic, what care they are able to receive there, and what happens if they require more specialized care - do they get it? I read that more Nepalis rely on traditional Indian Ayurvedic medicine or even local 'witchdoctors' than Western-style medical care, which isn't uncommon in a developing country. I went to a brujo, or witchdoctor in rural Mexico, and it was awesome. We didn't speak the same language, I told him nothing about my history, and yet right away he pointed at my neck, where I suffered a severe injury many years ago that still gives me trouble, and many headaches. He chanted as he patted me all over with a bunch of damp, fragrant leaves, then enveloped me in the smoke of something or other, giving me a clay head idol on a string for future health. That was about 10 years ago - the head-on-string- hangs off my bed, although I'm not sure it has helped much, but I swear after I was 'treated' I felt great for several days - longer than I feel good for after a chiropractic visit!

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!!!

2007-11-24T18:46:00.000-08:00

It has just come to my attention that some have had trouble with the "donate" button on our page, so if you have visited before and tried to donate unsuccessfully, or are reading this now - we are trying to resolve this problem. If you encounter a problem, please e-mail me at idftress@gmail.com, or donate via mail. Please don't let this put you off from sponsoring our worthy cause.

Thank you.

Thank God it's Thursday!

2007-11-22T20:41:00.001-08:00

What a long week. The end of university term is taking its toll on me. One presentation down (and I didn't do such a great job, I'm really beating myself up about that one), one to go, 2 papers, an epidemiology exam, and worst of all: a biostatistics quiz and stats assignment. Statistics will be the death of me, I swear. I have learned more math since last April, and I'm still lost. I am doing this as both a personal challenge (I hate it when a part of my brain is underdeveloped, and thus feel the need to prove myself), but also as the means to get to the end= the goal of finally getting the career I want. I am currently studying community health and epidemiology, which I hope will lead me to the places I haven't manged to get to so far in life. Not just the physical places, but the satisfaction of life goal places. The process is often painful, I've shed some tears along the way already. Even though my daughter is nearly 4, the pregnancy hormones never seemed to quite wash out of my system, because I get emotional so easily now, and I never did before. I get frustrated, I feel my age as a 'mature student' (I was in university before some of the 'kids' in my classes were out of diapers). They make me feel old. But at least I don't need to use any of my scholarship funds on Clearasil.

And I'm feeling frustrated about Nepal - am having a hard time getting in touch with anyone there as I am trying to make some contacts before we go. If anyone out there knows any one connected to Pokhara University or any hospitals in that region, let me know!

Mermaids

2007-11-21T11:27:00.000-08:00

My daughter Naomi wants to be a mermaid when she grows up. She has changed her mind, she used to want to be a fireman (not a firefighter, a fireman). She has now convinced all the girls at pre-school but one that they too want to be mermaids when they grow up. The one boy in the class agrees he wants to be a boy mermaid too.

Just look at that face.

This Week

2007-11-17T19:37:00.000-08:00

Haven't had a lot of time to dream about Nepal this week, there are just 2 weeks left in the academic term to go. This means I have 1 group presentation and one individual presentation to give, 1 ten-page paper and 1 20-page paper to write, 1 biostatistics assignment and one stats quiz to live through (I admit it, I struggle with statistics), and one epidemiology exam to survive. If I get through all this, and somehow I will, I will have actually survived my first semester in a graduate level science program, which, if you knew me better, you would realize is hilarious. Although I am nearly the only one of my friends who did not attend art college (yet I have the degree in international development, I make my living as a photographer, and my best friend Julia who was Student President at art college wound up as a diplomat in Ottawa...), I am not especially science-y. Truthfully, I'm somewhere between artsy-fartsy and lab-geek, but closer to artsy on the continuum. Up until now I have been a "social scientist," as evidenced by my degrees in international development studies and sociology. I started university young and without a real plan, I would most likely do it differently if I could start over. For awhile I wanted to go to law school, but my older, cooler, magic mushroom-taking new-age hippy friends told me it would make me evil and talked me out of it. (It's their fault I became a vegetarian too - I was the victim of peer pressure at age 16 - they've all returned to carnivorous diets, I have remained true, but I would probably give it up if I could - my body wouldn't accept meat anymore, it's just been too long. But every now and then one of Michael's donairs smells really good.)

Two more weeks.

Making the Plans

2007-11-12T16:30:00.000-08:00

We are going to volunteer in one of the world's poorest countries, where we have been accepted to work with INFO-Nepal (www.infonepal.org), which runs a variety of projects around the country. We plan to be near Pokhara, Nepal's second largest city, set on lake Phewa Tal reflecting the snow-covered Annapurna mountain range, described by more than one source as what Eden must have looked like, Heaven on earth.

I am so excited to see Naomi go to school with the local children as we teach or help at the local medical clinic. The daily grind of our daily commutes, never seeing each other (I go to university mornings, Michael works nights) and the general stress of First World living is wearing us thin and putting a strain on us all. We need this trip, to give back a little something to the planet, but more to find our way back to ourselves as a family again.

Unfortunately, even to volunteer, it costs a lot of money. It works out something like this:

Airfare for 3: $5,000
rooom and board in Nepal for 3 months: $3,500
immunizations $1,200 (estimate, may be worse, rabies shots for Naomi alone cost over $500!)

**UPDATE** I seriously underestimated this factor. Called my local pharmacy today with the list of suggested vaccinations: Hepatitis A and B for Naomi, TB for Naomi, flu shots, polio, typhoid, meningitis, rabies and Japanese Encephalitis for all of us. I thought the price of rabies was bad until I heard the cost of the Japanese Encephalitis shots: $1,200 for each of us! Hep A and B are going cheap at a mere $100 for three shots.

(And to make it sound like a Mastercard ad, "Trip of a Lifetime = Priceless!)

As you can see, this is no small undertaking, but we are committed to going, even if we have to remortgage our house! We have ordered our Nepali language tapes already and are anxiously awaiting their arrival (yes, all I need is something else to study while being in a full-time master's program, not to mention another language when I have studied 7 others already, and we all know the wide applicability of speaking Nepali outside of Nepal...), and I'm planning on preparing myself for celebrating my next birthday in the midst of monsoon season, which comes with leeches and mosquitoes.

Michael's Story

2007-11-11T08:58:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned, Michael really isn't the tree-hugging type. Although he was a committed volunteer member of our local Fire Department for many years, he never understood why I cared so much about the plight of others so far away when there's so much to be done here at home. But one day in September he found himself watching a show on the National Geographic Channel about East Africa, with footage of the Savannah, and the landscape grabbed hold, and he started to feel something new. And he told me he wanted to see it for himself. I said, let's go. Let's just go. So at first it was Africa we planned to see, even though I've been there before. I was just happy he'd latched onto a goal, and one we could share, because things had been getting difficult around here. Michael's work schedule has him commuting 2 hours a day and working 9-10 hour shifts. He's been so overworked that he's continually exhausted, getting frequent headaches and stomach upsets, not to mention insomnia. He is one stressed out dude.

But as I started combing the internet for volunteer agencies we could work with, I found one that also ran programmes in Nepal, and somehow, the African Dream became the Nepali Dream. as it began to appeal to us more and more. Michael has always said he loves mountains, me, I'm an ocean lover, I hate to be far from the sea. But Nepal just seems so vastly far and different, the extreme opposite of where we are. We are at sea level, there we would be within reach of the top of the world, almost. I would like to spend some time in a brand new geography.

We currently have a lot of stress in our lives. A lot of the time Michael and I see each other for maybe 15 minutes a day - I leave for University before 8 am, before he and Naomi get up, and he drops her at her grandma's on his way to work, and I pick her up after class. Unless we wave to one another as we pass each other on the highway in opposite lanes, I don't see him until he gets home around 11 pm. It often seems now that we are the happiest and most animated while planning our trip. Without a bright spot in the future to look forward to, the daily grind is just wearing us down, especially him.

Sunday Morning

2007-11-11T08:51:00.000-08:00

Playing games with Michael and Naomi. He swears she always beats him at Candyland, while I always seem to have to cheat to let her win. She isn't a sore loser, but I think Michael was starting to take it hard losing the third game in a row, but he made up for it by winning Old Maid.

Post-Hurricane Noel

2007-11-10T16:41:00.000-08:00

The basement waters have receded after the flood slightly, enough for the plumber to fix the hot water tank ($349), so I'll get back to our story.

Nearly 4 years ago after our daughter was born, things were pretty rough for a while, well, a long while. For years up until then my husband and I had worked from home together, running a small import/export business that allowed us to travel every few years, and a gift shop featuring works by us and other Maritime craftspeople. But since September 11, 2001, we could could no longer rely on the tourism trade, plus we had a new tiny mouth to feed (and cute little bottom to keep in diapers -thankfully those days are over!). For months Michael didn't sleep for all his worrying, and not long after Naomi was born, I got sick. First it was occasional migraines, but then they lasted longer and longer and longer until they just never stopped. I was diagnosed with status migrainous, chronic daily headache, and post-partum depression. In the ensuing years I went through 4 family physicians and saw 3 neurologists, and went through trial and error of dozens of prescription drug combinations. At one point I took 9 different meds just to get through the day, and my headaches still weren't under control. The 2 things that got me through were the love of my husband, which never wavered, and my love for our daughter, who proved to be a bright shining miracle every day.

When Naomi was 10 months old Michael started working nightshift in the city, a big change for us. Having only one car, this meant I was now housebound and alone. As winter wore on I felt so trapped and miserable - there aren't any buses where we live, so I couldn't even go to the grocery store for a change of scenery. I found myself in my 30s with 2 university degrees that had done me no good but to incur thousands of dollars of student loans, far off any path I would have predicted for myself.

It took at least 2 years before my headaches were controlled enough that I could function again. Controlled means maybe 4-6 migraines a month, while continuing to take fistfuls of pills every day. Now my quality of life is almost back normal, but I am still not content with where I am in life. I thought I'd be working for UNICEF or Doctors Without Borders or some other development organization by now, far away from Canadian winters, doing just a little bit of good in the world. That's all I ever really wanted to do, disaster relief or AIDS work, or just be an extra pair of helping hands somewhere they are needed.

Michael never really understood this about me, and was not at all a do-gooder tree-hugging granola type in the least. But being a dad has softened him, but there's still more to his part of the story.

Hurricane Noel

2007-11-05T11:09:00.000-08:00

Living on Nova Scotia's South Shore just outside of Halifax, we got pounded by the remains of Hurricane Noel Saturday night. Naomi was quite thrilled to try out all the flashlights, especially her roaring dinosaur one. The three of us snuggled down for the night together in the big bed, as the power inevitably cut out. Michael and I tossed and turned like the waves crashing across the road from us while Naomi slept like an oblivious angel. Even one of our three cats (usually banned from the bedroom) made it into the bed, adding to the warmth.

After the storm passed Michael mentioned that our sump-pump had blown up some time ago, leaving our basement hopelessly flooded and the furnace making an odd, whining noise.

Basement bailed out with borrowed pump, we set off for the beach to survey the damage.

For as long as I can remember...

2007-11-05T07:21:00.001-08:00

I knew I belonged somewhere else. Maybe it was the first time I saw an issue of "National Geographic," learned about some tribe somewhere, realized there were other places to be, other ways to live. I just never felt quite right here, and I was always treated as if I were just a little bit odd (or strange, or weird. I prefer the term eccentric). As I grew older and understood more, the more I resented capitalism, First World Superiority, the culture of this McWorld. But then maybe that's just because I grew up lower-middle class. I instinctively felt that somewhere out there was a culture that had something better than materialism at its core, but then I grew up in a single parent family where my mom was all the family I had. Rarely satisfied with what was before me, I always dreamed of being somewhere else...And they say you can't run away from your problems...I have found over the years that the reverse is true. Once I was 15 I started moving, from Halifax to Germany, Portugal, Montreal, Toronto, and then at age 18, to Israel. That's a long story. Just the other day I was speaking to another former Israeli resident who said, "Israel is like the ex-husband you will always love but just can't live with."

How it all started...

2007-10-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

If it didn't start in the womb (my mother's or mine?), I guess it began for me shortly after my daughter was born in 2003. For my husband, it came in a moment of clarity this past September, and then we suddenly knew what we needed to do. Without trying to sound overly cliche, or new-age hippy-ish, we need to go to Nepal.